Internet Gutter Spells Of Magic
Online is a strange and terrifying place. It’s enabled us to connect with one another, advance the causes of science and culture, and unite the world with a glowing net of data. It’s also enabled people with very… particular interests to find each other. In this weekly series, we’ll be dipping into the Internet Gutter – the strange subcultures and weird worlds lurking in the dark pockets of the World Wide Web.Spells Of MagicIs magic real? Probably not, no matter how many times we compare Donald Trump to Voldemort. But belief in supernatural powers has only increased in the age of the Internet, as people look for something outside of their normal lives to rescue them from the cyber hellscape we find ourselves in. Why not magic powers as opposed to, say, hard drugs or anime?So we’ve laid the groundwork that there are people who really believe that they can do magic and cast spells.But where do you go to learn these spells? Do you hunt down dusty magical grimoires from creepy bookstores on dead-end streets? No way, buddy. This is the Internet Gutter, all you have to do is log on.Spells Of Magic is a clearinghouse for every kind of cantrip and incantation you could possibly want – a staggering 16,000+ in total. Let’s run through the worst and weirdest and maybe learn a few for ourselves.Spelling LessonThe #1 most popular spell on the site is “Activating Your Powers,” so that seems like a good place to start.You will need the following items for this spell:One towelTwo candles (only colored red, yellow, or white)Salt (bathing salts are more powerful)Hard surfaceBeliefCold water in a relatively large bowl (not a plastic bowl) The one that puzzles me most here is “belief.” If you don’t have that, what are you going to do, run down to the belief store and pick some up? And how can you tell if you have enough?The spell goes on to tell you to put the towel on the hard surface, light the candles, say some gibberish and then “dunk your face in the water for as long as you can.” Presumably, that doesn’t mean “until you drown.” Then go to bed, and when you wake up in the morning, your powers will be activated.Now what to do with them? Thankfully, the site has 15,999 other spells for you to do with your supernatural mojo.Horny WitchesThe “romance” section of Spells of Magic is unsurprisingly robust, as warlocks unlucky in love obviously want to use their eldritch powers to force someone to suck face with them. While most of the love spells are pretty basic, we have to talk a little bit about the “Sexual Spells” subsection. And I quote:“No need to go out and buy the latest sexual enhancement drugs, or go for painful and expensive plastic surgery. Now all you need is a little bit of magic and a little bit of practice.”Oh boy. This section is where all of the most perverted and weird cantrips go to die, featuring spells that will enlarge your breasts, make your partner more passionate in bed, and… create a sister?Wait, that one doesn’t sound so bad.Oh, they meant to create a sister you can have sex with. That’s actually pretty bad.The Dark SideNot everybody is on Spells of Magic for positive purposes. Some people just want to be Voldemort, and there’s a whole section of “Misfortune Spells” for curses and other nefarious things. Dozens upon dozens of curses are to be found here, many of which claim to be able to cause disease, injury and even death. One would think that the power to do these acts would be difficult to use, but apparently not.Most of these spells will obviously not do anything, but then there’s stuff like “Coma Curse,” which instructs would-be black magicians to drop moonflower and morning glory leaves into fruit punch, both of which are toxic to humans. So that’s not a “magic spell” as much as it is “attempted murder by poisoning.”And then there’s Jeff.Watch And LearnThe site also has a “videos” section where some of its most prolific practitioners talk about their magical abilities. If you’re tuning in to actually see spells being cast and things actually happening, though, you’re likely to be disappointed. That’s not how it works, apparently.This guy apparently has quite a reputation in the on-line wizarding community, which is hilarious in and of itself. The site’s other videos walk you through rituals in Facebook-friendly clips. The fact that they exist at all really draws into focus the contrast that Spells of Magic embodies – what’s the point of having secret mystical abilities if any 11-year-old with the Wi-Fi password can access them?If everybody has the potential within them to “become a living God,” doesn’t that just put us all back on equal footing? These tough philosophical questions are pretty far beyond the remit of most Spells of Magic users, who seem to be upset teenagers.Talking It OutLike every truly great website, Spells of Magic has a forum where wanna-be wizards talk through their adventures in the mystical realm. The forums are popping, and it’s hard to pick out the cream of the crop.Unfortunately for everybody involved, it seems like 99% of the posts are “I’m new to magic and can’t make anything work, please help me.” People, you’re on a website with 16,000 magic spells that promise to make people swell up like a big blueberry or change their gender with the flip of a coin, and you’re worried about not making it work? You should be thanking whatever higher power you believe in that this stuff doesn’t work.Can you imagine every surly goth tweenager got the ability to warp reality using a towel and a bowl of salt water? The entire universe would be a non-stop frenzy of humping, transforming into werewolves and sudden death. No thanks. Let’s keep magic where it belongs: in the hands of virgin nerds doing card tricks at community theaters and old folks homes. It’s just safer that way.